my silence wasn't for nothing

Preamble.

For what it's worth, writing this down rather than going on multiple rants on social network would make the picture clearer. I think silence wouldn't do me good no more. Ignoring people like you should be the way - most of my true friends have been telling me that -, but hey, i thought i would do this once and for all. After reading this, it is likely that you would get into a rage and probably come up with colourful things to say as. This will be the last time that i would take note of such imbecile matter. It is tiring and consumes time that could be well spent on other matters. As such, I will no longer go into a tirade on this matter once this is done.

So hello.

Firstly, great to know you finally got your facts right, because the last time i checked, you spread rumours about me cheating behind your back and slept around. You must have browsed through my tumblr where i talked about how you’ve been badmouthing me, as well as i have written the actual facts on that matter. That is when you finally changed your story. That tumblr of mine also happens to be a private one where i regularly change my url to avoid anonymous creepers who come-a-stalking. God knows how you kept barging into my tumblr, regardless how many times i have changed my tumblr url. So much determination in you. Such skills.

No, I am not going to deny what you’ve tweeted. To think about what i did - with logic but without substantial knowledge on the matter - what I have done would appear as what you’re trying to paint about me.

It is not a wise thing for me to do, i admit, but it quite did a great thing for me as it has allowed me to open my eyes and realise the person that has been supporting me all these while. That person has been there for me at my lowest point, and has never left me since. Has helped me to open my eyes on what person you are, and has been supporting my decisions ever since. Helped me to realise that behind those twisted words, lies a person who is only showing his true colours.

We broke up not long before you got back. Truth is, we have been going through a horribly rough patch for quite a time. I wanted out for a few times already, but you made me stay. No wait, you forced me to stay. You threatened me with suicide threats, forcing me to make a decision while we were on the phone with you standing at the edge of the rooftop. Not once or twice.

Let’s go back in time a little bit.

Often, in that relationship, you would dictate my life. Who i was hanging out with. What time did i get home. Who am i texting or whatsapping or inbox-ing or tweet or even friends with. Granted, it is what most couples do. But the extent to what you have done is often way too much. And when i am about to do something that you disapprove, you would threaten me that you’ll leave me.

There is this one time i helped to match a very good friend up, a friend that you happen to hate so much and forced me to say mean things to her. I knew that you would hate to know that i was helping her with something, so i lied about where i was going. Not even for my own benefit. But later on that same night, i told you the truth. And what did you do? You broke up with me. To make amends (god knows why was i stupid enough to try), you forced me to say horrible horrible things to her while you stayed on the phone and listen, probably gloating in glee. That friend of mine, who is a much bigger person than you are, though very hurt, tried to understand my situation, often reminding me that i am too silly to be doing it. How many times are we going to go through that? How long do i have to put up with it? I was very very sorry for what i did to her and should have realised the kind of person you are.

At first it was just a mild control habit of yours. As time progressed, it got too out of hand.

Apart from the name calling that you torment me with when i did something that is wrong in your eyes (such as this incident that i can’t forget: labelling me a “pelacur” for going out with my male cousin and his friends for karaoke), you also tried to dictate the kinds of people i am friends with. To the extend you once forced me to kick out one of my housemates? You made me choose between you or her. I wonder what got into your head. Such heart you have.

But then i realised, you just need something or someone to blame. You just need someone to lambast your anger at, even when it is actually your fault at the very beginning.

We were two people having an endless tugging war in a relationship. We fought ridiculously a lot. And on that very day you decided to end things, yeah i was heartbroken. I was shattered to be honest. But thankfully my beautiful housemates and friends were there for me. I plastered a strong face, and went out and had a good time with my girlfriends that night for the first time since you barred me from doing things that i want to do.

And then you came back to this soil and decided to surprise me, as well as to get me back. You got into a rampage when you knew i got closer to a guy. Yes, the same guy we’re talking about here. You came to my house and terrorised me. You pushed me to the wall, scattered my things around, screamed at me, pushed me around and gave me a souvenir scar. Terrorising me and my housemate with your irrational behaviour. Threatened me that you’re going to find that person and beat the crap out of him. You went crazy that night. My housemate witnessed your craziness so i am not saying this with exaggeration nor am i imagining things. You dominated my life and my decisions, and now you brought violence into it.

That is when i went to find him that night (though really, i should have called the cops instead). I was scared and hurt. He was there for me, reassured me that everything will be fine and that he will be there for me. And i am glad that i did find him. My lovely friends and he have been the strength that has been helping me in making the right decision. Call me with whatever names you already have, paint an ugly picture of me as you like, i have my reasons as to why i did it. I am not saying what i did was right, to many it would be inexcusable, but to me, it is probably one of the decisions that have brought a greater good to me. It led me to an understanding and patient soul that has been making me strong, helped me to see that life is much bigger than that and that i just need to open my eyes

In a way, I am thankful. I am thankful that I saw the kind of person you are. Though really, i should have opened my eyes earlier. I saw the way you treat some people and i should have seen that coming. And today, when i think about it, it was actually a slit for me to get out of the mess. To actually have a new life.

I am never going to say what i have done is the right thing, nor there can ever be anything to justify my rash actions (of what i have done, where you decided to take the liberty to announce it on a social network site, how very thoughtful). but it is the thing that has helped me open my eyes.

Why am i getting the facts out now? Remember how you chest thumping-ly tried to paint a horrible picture of me out there? I am not going to paint you, i am going to structure it out.

Try to paint me as you might, but you know what, it won’t do. I am happy with the life that i have with him.

When it all happened few months back, you were all “ i hope you will be happy with him, make sure he takes good care of you or i will... “ tralala and la. I respect you as a person for that. But those were just words then, hey?

I changed my tumblr url, and progressed with my life, with him alongside. I poured my feelings on my tumblr, about how happy i am, about how i appreciate the fact that he has been so patient and understanding of me, a little diary for my feelings.

But yeesh, you kept tab on my life, and decided to turn things ugly. You read my tumblr posts on how happy i am, how i have moved on, and what? decided that nahh to hell with wishing me well and you should give me hell instead?

So you’re not happy with how i have progressed with my life, and decided to make a muck out of situation?

“Does my happiness and life bother you? Is that why you try to bring me down? Let me tell you this.. It isn't working.”

I love how he told me this “Do not increase the level of hate, increase the level of ignorance”.

Just because I was quiet doesn’t mean that i haven’t got anything to say. Stop playing the high and mighty victim.

I can spend my life being bitter as you are, i can spend my time hating on you, but that would only mean time wasted that could have been spent on cherishing happy moments with him. As i have said before in my tumblr, i do not hate you, i just don’t care about you anymore.

that tumblr post that i wast referring to

this is the tumblr post that i wrote back then. it was of course, meant for you as know you would eventually search for my tumblr and read this. i refrained myself from letting anyone else out there to read it, all except for this one person.

but thanks to you, i get to know who my real friends are, and who aren't :)

reason why i am posting this as well? i am done being in silence. i am done letting you do all the talking for me. i will play your game and let it all out.

so here is the tumblr post.

***************

where do i begin ?

when i saw this - “”Stop stalking me, bitch. I know you’re reading this now. So stop browsing through my page and be damned. :)”, i felt weird.

first of all, stalking you is not a lifelong mission of mine. i only clicked on your tweethandle when i saw a mutual twitter friend who tweeted about how you have tried your best. concerned, so i clicked on your tweet.

little did i know, you have me as the bitch now. a part of me wanted to laugh. how bitter are you?

Think that I am stalking you? Clearly you’ve been stalking my tumblr because your words from the above is an alteration of mine when i posted on my tumblr saying stop browsing through my tumblr. I was hoping that you’re not even going to read that because i have changed my url to avoid you from stalking me.

But no, stalked you did. The reason I asked you to stop? because my tumblr is where i am going to and have already wrote stuff about my emotional recovery and that of the person who has been there for me.

In any way, it won’t be pleasant for you to read my posts about him and I. THAT is why I don’t want you to be reading my tumblr. Not because I’m glad that you’re going to see how much better my emotions have improved, not because I might be bitching about you on my tumblr, god please i have better things to do with my time. all i wanted for was for you to not feel that weird kind of feeling when you see an ex having someone being there for her.

i have changed my url to stop you from reading my tumblr posts. but knowing that side of you, i can quite guess that you will be stalking me still.

remember how you violated your roommate’s privacy when you read his private twitter messages with my housemate? how he said that he won’t let you put him through the same shit that you put on me? remember how angry you got? you brought it upon yourself when you decided to get too curious and opened his twitter account. yes that is how you are. you are very curious and sometimes do not know when to stop.

so to stop you from reading my tumblr posts, i changed my url. but the stalker in you traced my tumblr. so who’s the stalker now?

i can sink to your level and call you “an abusive person who hits women” on twitter, but i refrained myself. i can challenge you back on the twitter war that you’re trying to erupt, but i have better things to do in my life such as being happy with him.

I use to reminisce on our happy moments, but its a waste now isn’t it, to think of good and happy thoughts of the person who labels you a bitch?

Clearly we need to get rid of each other from our heads.

I don’t want to have this kind of sour post relationship thing between us. But you just have to make it harder don’t you? by calling me a bitch and wishing for my damnation?

i am thankful for my past, but i pity that you need to be angry instead.

i know for a fact that you did tell some people that i did to you what your roommate’s ex has done to him? that what, i slept around behind you and cheated on you?

sigh.

that is a bitter explanation that you want to believe in.

fact:

1. you broke up with me. you were the one who wanted to end things at first.

2. then i accepted that you want to break up with me. he was there for me, he tried to cheer me up.

3. and then all of a sudden, you wanted me back. i was confused. i was heart broken, and so easily you wish to expect me to put the pieces back together?

4. then you came back to “surprise” me. and that night the hitting drama took place.

5.we had our tug a war moments. and then i realised that even if our hearts we’re still attached back then, our relationship can’t work. i had to end things

6. even if i did not have him, i still won’t be with you. i can’t anymore.

7. im sticking by with him who’s been such a person to me

6. and the guilt game ensues.

7. and now here we are

after what happened in august, when i found out that you have actually been cheating behind my back throughout our relationship, (yes, it was since since january that you have been cheating behind my back, eversince we got together, or even before actually) i should not have continued with our relationship.i should have ended it and not accepted your apology. i should not have picked you up at the airport when you came back to salvage what relationship is left.

that is why you were so paranoid back then, on whether i’m cheating on you or not, it’s because you are doing it to me. that excuse of yours of how you don’t want the same thing that happened to your roommate and his ex to ever happen to us whenever you get over possessive of me, is just an excuse.

when you labelled me a “pelacur” for going out with my cousin and his guy friends, i should have ended things between you and me.

after the countless suicide threats that you put on me, forcing me to stay in that relationship. hmmm. should have opened my eyes earlier innit?

suffice to say, in a way, i am glad that our emotional turmoil drama is over.

I am happy with him as he makes me forget about my worries, has always been there for me and respects my feelings and not force me to go through things nor has he ever shouted at me or called me names.

I put you in a good place in my heart. As a person who still meant something to me even though we’re not together anymore.

But it’s a mistake now isn’t it? To have good thoughts and expect good things for people who wishes for you to be damned.

Thank you. Thank you for making it easier for me to move on and realise that it is time to cherish happy times with people who mean a lot more to me now.

I should stop appreciating the past and move on.

This tumblr space that i have shall never again be written on anything that has got to do with you. Memories, worries, any kinds of feelings, no.

It all ends here. I thought before this i can just end the communication between us both but still be able to reminisce and appreciate what we had, but no more now.

hatred will only breed hatred. i do not hate you. i just don’t care about you anymore.

oh btw, in any case that you might get upset because other people might read about this, though really i shouldn’t care, i’ve only let known of my tumblr account to 3 people that knows me in real life (as of writing), and don’t worry, all three are not the least concerned about you. if there are other people who are reading my tumblr posts without my knowing, i have no idea how they got here. i did not post the link for my tumblr url anywhere. unless you’ve been the one selling my tumblr out.

to the rest, i can only say this: do not judge what you do not understand.